“He said he’d be at the game and never showed up.” ” She left out the milk again and now it’s all spoiled.” “They didn’t call back so we left without them and now they are mad.”

Just like a ball rolls down hill due to gravity , we tend to blame others rather than look at ourselves. After all, he didn’t call back or she did forget to do what she said she’d do etc etc. Still, this leaves out other factors such as whether or not our reaction is justified. Could our original demands have been unreasonable or can we also be partially (or entirely) at fault.

For instance, if there is anger because our significant other didn’t call us a few times during the day at work, is that demand that they call us during a busy work day necessarily “objective”? We feel inside that all our requests to others are reasonable and fair, but perhaps they aren’t or do not accord with the other person’s point of view. Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us to examine our anger with awareness like “taking a little brother by the hand.” You wouldn’t tug and pull him hard.

You can use your anger instead to destroy your own delusions or assumptions. There is a force within anger, so why not channel it to work for you instead of against you? This does not mean you should blame yourself or be angry with yourself. It means to increase your determination to wipe out the tendencies that make you fall into these levels of resentment.Â

Also if you can slow down the moments when you want to blame someone, you can become a detective and look at what you are reacting to. Give thanks (internally) to that person being able to get a reaction out of you. This is a way to do some reverse engineering on your issues. It doesn’t mean that the other
person was in the right, it just means that your strong reaction can be a clue into your own mind.Â